“It was a very different approach

than most parenting materials out there.

It was very positive and very refreshing.”

— Participant, City of Santa Clarita

Parenting Conference

Strengthening Families

“In our fast-moving society,

families do not always develop a sense of
community, and children get lost in the rush.”

— Dr. Newmark

A SENSE OF COMMUNITY

Ideally, families would function as a team in the best tradition of the word, as in team effort—everyone pulls together for the good of the whole; team play—collective play with mutual assistance of members; teamwork—several associates each doing a part, subordinating personal prominence to the efficiency of the whole. In practice, however, some families seem closer to another definition, team—two or more draft animals harnessed to the same vehicle.

John Gardner, former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare once said, “The problem with many of our cities is that they are encampments of strangers and not communities.” This is also a problem with many families. Too often in our modern, complex, fast-moving, high-tech societies, families do not always develop a sense of community, and children get lost in the rush. To create this sense of community, family members need to be involved with one another, to do things together.

Families that do things together create camaraderie, cohesion. Families that do things together that are fun and interesting create a positive atmosphere. Families that do things together that encourage members to think, ask questions and express themselves become learning communities. Families that do things together on a regular basis create traditions. Families that create traditions develop a strong sense of community, displaying mutual respect, caring, and support. The children of families with a strong sense of community are more resistant to outside negative influences, more likely to be influenced by positive role models within the family, and to become emotionally healthy citizens at home, in school, and within society at large.

Core Values

The strength of the family emanates from parents and their convictions. If there is no coherent philosophy, strategy or approach to childrearing, and if values are not clear, parent behavior is usually inconsistent and confusing. It behooves parents to define values for themselves and to emphasize them in the family through words and action. If we think of family values as values shared by all members of the family, it becomes something very much worth striving for.

Adopting the five critical needs as an integral component of a family’s core values provides a valuable framework to guide parents’ interactions with their children and to evaluate their parenting effectiveness. Additionally, it does much more. As parents treat each other in ways that satisfy the five needs, they become role models for the kids on how to act in a loving way. Further, as parents communicate to children that they have the same needs and express positive feelings about the children’s behavior that satisfy these needs, they begin to become true family values. Children are stimulated to start thinking not only about what’s being done and not done to, for, and with them, but also about how their behavior impacts others.

Since the five needs are relevant to all interactions among individuals, opportunities to apply them in every day life are constant. Thus, with practice, the children’s and parents’ understanding, appreciation, and use of the concepts are certain to grow. Children can learn about the power of their behavior to impact each other and their parents, and also relatives, friends, teachers, acquaintances—almost anyone with whom they have contact. This helps to strengthen a sense of community among family members, and also gives children a larger view of community.

FAMILY MEETINGS

Purpose

Establish concept of “Family As A Learning Community” in which mutual respect and cooperation are necessary for all family members to lead happy, healthy, secure lives. This concept contributes to satisfying the emotional needs of all family members and the learning of valuable skills in communication, problem solving, and decision making. It is part of the ongoing process in which children participate actively in their own evolution, on their way to becoming thinking, self-confident, independent, responsible, caring, civic-minded adults.

Approach

Family meetings is a major activity for parents and children to assess how well they are doing—individually and collectively—and to decide on ways to make things better. Through sharing feelings, information, and experiences a sense of community is created.

Types of Meetings

Goal Oriented Meetings (periodic, as needed) where family attempts to achieve consensus. For example:

1. Identify and assign family responsibilities/tasks.

2. Establish family rules.

3. Problem Solving: Identify and solve specific problems.

4. Decision Making: Identify need for and make decisions.

5. Planning: Plan a family project, activity.

Feedback Sessions (regularly scheduled, usually 1 x per week, ongoing)

Open-ended interactions among all family members as an outlet for expression of feelings, concerns, frustrations, appreciations and joy, in a safe, non-threatening atmosphere of open communication. Members address the question: “What do we see each other, or ourselves, doing that is helping or hindering us to lead happy, healthy lives?” In answer to this question, Items 3 and 4 below become the core activity of each session. (See note below regarding other items.)

1. One highlight or lowlight of my week was:

2. One thing I did this week that I didn’t like was: One thing I liked was:

3. Feedback is addressed to a specific person. (Something you did that affected me or the family positively or negatively or about which I have a question or concern.)

4. Something that is going on in my life that causes me concern, fear, joy is:

5. Something that bothers me or that I enjoy about our family life is:

6. Closing activity: each one says one positive thing about each family member (at the end of each meeting or periodically as desired).

(Note: Items 1 and 2 can be used to initiate sessions, as frequently as desired, with each individual taking turns and with or without family discussion. Item 5 may be introduced at any time there is a desire to include it.)

*See Game Plan #3 in How To Raise Emotionally Healthy Children for further details.

FAMILY AS A LEARNING COMMUNITY

As parents and children become better students of their own behavior, they are able to help one another recognize when they are relating in emotionally healthy or unhealthy ways. This is the beginning of the family as a learning community. As such, it is no longer business as usual with parents as paragons of knowledge and virtue to be passed on to their kids so they can become just like their moms and dads. It recognizes that adults are not finished products but rather adults in training—imperfect, fallible human beings. Family members understand that all of them need to learn how to become better persons, and that this learning can occur as a family—children from parents, parents from children, and all together. As part of this process, parents should consider having their teenagers (and where appropriate pre-teens too) read this book and discuss it together as a family—chapter by chapter, situation by situation, and game plan by game plan. Such a discussion, with its accompanying personal sharing, could further their getting to know one another better as people and not just in the roles of mother, father, and child.

© 2009 The Children’s Project, a nonprofit organization.

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